Whenever I blog, I usually try to examine things from a different perspective. Because I get lost in writing. When I used to write short stories and the like, I got stuck on a train of thought and had to stop myself periodically so that I wouldn’t run into the cow standing on the tracks. Right now, I’m thinking silently to myself, “Wow, done with the really lame self-insight yet?”.

Sometimes I’ll ask myself, “What kind of blogger am I?” Immediately the question is answered for me: One that is cynical, critical of others, negative, brooding, pessimistic, and too serious about a lameshit hobby. God, every day I feel utterly stupid about keeping this blog. That doesn’t mean I hate the act of blogging itself, just that I have to go the extra mile to justify why I spent a little over an hour on that intense, 2000-word analysis discussing the nature of humanity and how it is relative to Japanese idols and meaning every word of it as I type it and not feel ridiculous, self-deprecating, embarrassed, etc. It is something I wish I could communicate in a more reassured way to my “audience” (which is likely composed of three or four regular readers), how I reflect on the content of my character at every waking moment and come out kind of lost and, generally, lame.

I don’t regret having no life. I’ve always thought that phrase to be highly subjective. “God, get a life.” What kind of life? Hearing that tends to bring to mind (for me) images of people bungee-jumping off a cliff or driving through the African wild. Part of me longs for activities such as that (but not identical activities; I couldn’t give two shits about bungee-jumping or Africa except the dangers of the former and the depressing state of humanity in the latter, and neither of which I can do a damn thing about), and yet I look at my boxy oldschool computer monitor and the so-called shit I’ve accomplished and feel no regret. But I feel remorseful about blogging. Maybe because I tend to consider myself above being a loser just to reassure that side of my personality that is snarky and unappreciative of my more intellectual pursuits, and giving in to blogging and keeping up with Japanese idols (honest, what is weirder than admitting that “Japanese idols” is a hobby of yours) is something I currently perceive to be exactly what a loser is.

Short version: I’m an wota but I don’t want to accept that I’m an wota because I haven’t been an wota all my life and I’ve already been taught that is a hella lame type of person to be.

I can see now that one of my big obstacles to soon overcome is that: coming to terms with my self-critical nature and seeing that it makes peace with my modesty. And what better way than to do so through blogging? I’ve been using it as an outlet all along anyway. I never write about something I don’t feel strongly about, and that’s probably because I am incapable of doing so. It would just seem half-hearted. Unfortunately, a light and carefree approach to idols is a better manner to entertain people. I muchly prefer carefree applications to serious discussion when it’s appropriate but I’m not able to do that. In simpler terms, I can’t get the kind of person I am with my friends such as Vulpi or in my LiveJournal (yeah, I’ve got an LJ, I’ve pretty much been the epitome of lameness for a long time) to translate on this blog. I’d like to let more people in so they don’t have the perception that I’m all bitchiness, like I forget persistently to take my Zoloft or some shit, but that evokes an introverted reaction and a polite shake of the head.

There is a complex for this somewhere and it has a name.

I’m not worried about my probably deep-seated psychological abnormalities (which is strange already, considering that since long ago I’ve believed I suffer from a fear of mental illness that I’ve probably been constantly mislabeling as hypochondria). We all have “problems” that are just conflicting aspects of our personalities. We recognize these and have come to label them certain names and identify them as problems, bumps in what would be considered a human being’s normal personality. Personality itself is flawed and is a psychological oddity, then, going off that twisted logic.

It would seem right here that maybe I’m getting too serious for even this blog, considering that I’ve used the category of “Idols” for 114 of my 123 total posts and this is such a difference. It’s not like I’m going to turn this into a psychology blog; right after I send this out to be scoffed at by my dissenters, I’ll go straight back to bitching about how much I fucking can’t stand Sugaya Risako, why do I like all the lameshit boring background idols, these promoted girls can’t sing worth shit (ignoring that my own favorites usually are not of vocal excellence!), you got your peanut butter in my chocolate, wah wah wah, etc. And that’s the norm, isn’t it? But I want to go at it with a clearer mind. I want to stop being monotonous. It was Broomhead, someone I hold in high esteem to be honest, that said my saving grace was that “‘Hi, Minnasan’ and ‘Chotto Matte’ [provided] a nice contrast to the combative style in some of [my] other posts”. Well, now I have neither of those anymore, since the latter has been moved to its own separate location (if you haven’t noticed, it’s in the blogroll). What will I do to present a more wide catalogue of entertaining topics? I’ve always considered myself something of an entertainer. I don’t want to be a crummy one. The problem inherent with this is that the common person likely finds his or herself incapable of connecting with me. I would be a terrible idol, probably doled to the far back or right to warm the backs of/flank groupmates who are only slightly better than me but are still given lower platforms than me.

Speaking of idols, and quoting Broomhead once again…

The whole point of the wota-idol fandom is for this type of fan connection. It doesn’t have to be the level that some of the Japanese wota take it. However, if you can claim that you are dedicated to a particular idol, no matter what happens to that idol or their career, then you are exhibiting the type of connection intended. I think it is clear that, when it comes down to it, Yoshimi has this.

This is still true. I take things overboard, to the point where I worry “am I a loser wota?”, but in the broadest scope of things, I am not. Of course, maybe this is just like how I say things don’t matter to me when they actually really do… But somehow I feel it’s still different?

Anyway, just had to get this out. I-it’s still kind of applicable to idols? Kind of? …No? Okay, it’s not. Whatevs, this is my blog.

Oh! Speaking of idols, that reminds me of the huge back catalogue of people who probably hate me right now. They would be… Mano Erina fans, Sugaya Risako fans, Berryz Koubou fans, Hello! Project fans, Tanaka Reina fans, some Takahashi Ai fans, Kusumi Koharu fans, Shibata Ayumi fans, Mitsui Aika fans, Hagiwara Mai fans, etc. Guys, I’m sorry. But it’s only befitting that you derive intense personal offense from the disparaging opinions I express about your beloved twu idols, and it’s enough to parallel what a gigantic drama queen I am. At the end of the day, though, I take it with a grain of salt, you go back to ogling all those idols you love, until the next time I make a blog entry that pisses you off.

Think of me as Kago Ai. Except for the born-again Mormon look. Ew. Hell no.

And finally, to my 3-4 readers:

If you make it to the first anniversary of my blog’s conception, well…good luck.