The covers for both the regular and limited editions of Jpop lolicon sensation ℃-ute’s new single are out and on the Internet in decent quality. I am, predictably, less than pleased with the results.

Regular edition

Let’s highlight the various reasons why this edition of the cover doesn’t thrill me at all: First, there’s the fact that Ume is shoved all the way to my far right, a la the “Tokaikko Junjou” regular edition. I am not biased towards any one member in ℃-ute, not yet at least, but I’m on rather swell terms with Ume. You can blame two people I know — one of them is Vulpi who loves the girl, another is a person I am acquainted with who equally loves the girl and likes to post pictures of her often. I also like Ume’s general appearance. She’s the oldest member of ℃-ute, and is sexy enough to rival Maimi in that regard, she performs consistently, but I’ve never seen her get her due. She’s got an incredibly cute smile, too.

As a singer, her vocal talent is amazing. I never knew it before, but…thank god she got that solo track on ℃-ute’s album, even if it was as a “character” and the song was basically a rehashing of an old Hello! Project shuffle group’s single. Ume managed to shine through. Hopefully it helped her fanbase grow enough to the point where I won’t see her (and Kanna) be ℃-ute’s personal sentinels on the next single cover.

The next reason I dislike this cover: Mai? When you pull a face and pose like that? It just makes me want to clock you. I know, everyone else on the cover is supposed to play “diva” because apparently there’s no person in the entertainment industry more divaesque than a couple of awkward teenagers, but your attempt at it kind of hit me below-the-belt. Maybe this means you excelled at it; I’m not sure. It definitely left a negative impression on me, so… Good job!

Third reason: Maimi looks tired. I often get this sense off certain girls in H!P. For a while, I couldn’t bear to look at Koharu because I felt such overwhelming sympathy for her, gazing at those dark spots beneath her eyes that the makeup artists probably tried desperately to hide. This isn’t really a problem with Maimi, it’s a problem with her current position in H!P and as the jailbait leader of ℃-ute. Maybe she’s being overworked for some interesting reason, but we’ll never know why and it’ll just pass over. Still, it’s a distracting force on this regular edition cover of FAIL.

Fourth reason: Where the fuck is Airi? I finally saw her, looking like she fell out of some perverted other dimension where Morning Musume started a group full of thirteen-year-old girls who wore skimpy clothing and were as expressive as blowup dolls, and that was Abe Natsumi’s costume for their latest single. Her face looks just like Abe’s, which disturbs and, to be honest, slightly offends me, and she clearly doesn’t seem like she’s in her element at all.

Fifth reason: Chisato has all the charisma of a dried turnip. God, I love her voice so much, if only she had parents with better DNA. This goes for both her and Asuna. I hate the concept of eyelid-widening surgery to give the effect of having “bigger, more expressive eyes” in Japan, but Chisato is actually someone I would suggest this to. She’s the epitome of a stereotypical Asian on this cover and I wish she wasn’t (she was so bangin’ on the “Tokaikko Junjou” one that was similar to this in lineup — here, she’s short and kind of ugly and that won’t do much at all for her wota standing). Seeing her standing there awkwardly while Nakasaki’s foot looks like it’s resting on hers is, like…terrible.

Sixth reason: Nakasaki. It nearly seems as though she’s trying to imitate Suzuki Natsumi’s pose but doing a really horrible, half-assed job at it. She also looks like she got picked to be one of the girls dressed like a hobo (the others were Mai, Kanna, Chisato, Ume… Okay, basically everyone except Maimi and Suzuki Natsumi. WTF?) yet she doesn’t carry homeless coutre as well as her fellow hobos.

Seventh and final reason: Their legs all look yellow. It’s like the monkey UFA employs to Photoshop their graphics and such got a little ridiculous with a new tutorial it found on the Internet and applied an Exclusion layer to only the bottom part of the cover. I would’ve preferred, if there was to be an Exclusion layer, that it cover everything in its path. Sorry, monkey! Try harder next time.

Good things about this version of the cover: Kanna is growing on me fast and nothing’s going to stop her. I just can’t help but think of her fondly as “Arihanna” (this is a joke that is only going to make sense to the American people reading my blog who are in the know about a little song called ‘Umbrella’). I wish she would go somewhere in this group and in H!P, but that seems unlikely at this point.

I also enjoy the use of normal clothing that doesn’t look too uniform (’sup, “Dschinghis Khan”?) or non-inclusive (”Resonant Blue”). It’s trendy and up with the times, something all groups currently in H!P should follow and perform in for concerts. Not poofy gaudy dresses.

Limited edition cover

I continue to have magnificent problems with this single and it’s just from the look of the two covers. This one is markedly more of a trainwreck than the normal edition. Again, let’s go down the list of problems I’m having with this.

First: Nakasaki, you look like a lost puppy. Go scurry to the back row where you belong.

Second problem: Meanwhile, Ume is directly behind her looking smolderingly hobo-sexy and not getting any coverage. She’s almost menacing, and I love her for it. It creeps me out, which is what I feel this cover was trying to go for. Her noticeable dark circles enhance the gauntness of her face and erase all undertones of “cuteness”. I would have preferred she closed her mouth here, but you can’t win ‘em all.

Third reason: Abe Airi continues to look like a skimpily-dressed underage blowup doll. To add insult to injury, she seems so emotionally eviscerated. This wouldn’t be a problem for me normally, since I love creepy things and that is most certainly creepy, but coupled with her bootyshorts and what she “means” to a lot of wota out there (’sup, lolicon), it completely floods itself out with disturbing hidden undertones. You just know there’s someone out there whacking off to her appearance on these covers. God, I can’t stomach this.

Fourth reason: Mai is still pulling that holier-than-thou face, all the way in the back where you can only see her head and hobo scarf. God, GTFO. She completely ruins this picture for me with her diva presence.

Fifth reason: Chisato, don’t smile. Come on. Try to use some of that common sense and at least frown, for god’s sake.

Sixth and final reason: Now, the position of Maimi’s body is horribly wrong. I would have so much preferred if she hadn’t sat side-siddle in that manner. A slightly more centered pose would’ve looked nicer and I would love if she hadn’t used her right hand to make it sort of seem as if she’s pushing(!?) Chisato to the back, but rested it on Suzuki Natsumi’s shoulder. Also angled her legs, I know she’s got killer ones, whereas here they just disappear. Suzuki’s outshine hers and that’s wrong. And get rid of that expression, Maimi. You need to look haunted; the lighting and clothes already make you seem gaunt. Really, though, I think she just wasn’t on her game for the shooting of both these covers and it reflected poorly on the rest of the girls. I don’t want to condemn her for it, but somehow… Yeah.

On the plus side, I love the lighting effects and setting (albeit cramped). Kanna is absolutely fabulous. Her expression nearly puts me to tears and I love her pose. If anyone on this cover got anything right, it was either her or Ume.

I only have a (horrendously) low-quality live of ℃-ute performing “Namida no Iro” for a bunch of wota, it was recorded in a really grassroots manner, but I’ll agree on the Latin influences. I’m hoping the PV will be stunning, and there better be a goddamn epic Latin hobo hoedown during the interlude section of the song or heads are gonna roll.