Our next oldschool Musume came from Planet Claire. Or somewhere.

I love Iida Kaori. Everything about her seems so real, ever since she was a slightly awkward sixteen-year-old with the cast iron black bangs and goofy smile, to right now, a new mother who has a personality and track record that’s still well-liked by many Morning Musume and Hello! Project fans. She’s known as the member with her head up in the clouds, who waited for-freakin’-ever before she finally cut her hair, the woman with a crazy singing voice. And you know, as with all first generation members, I appreciate them most for the quality of their vocals, which were interesting and diverse back when they were a five-member group. This could be attributed to their reduced numbers, but then… Kaori’s has always been different and “unique”.

This is the topic I’d like to tackle first, because it’s always been a point of confusion between myself and Kaori. In “Morning Coffee”, her solo ironna yume / hanashita ne / konna itoshii hazu no was very…let’s say it’s very contrary to how she sings in “Summer Night Town”. Her voice is clearer and more youthful, whereas in “Summer Night Town” she mysteriously developed a low, raspy (one might say) quality to it. I’ve thought of a number of ridiculous theories to go along with this (“she had an accident while flying faster than the speed of light on her Plymouth satellite”, etc), but I’m sure none of them are even remotely applicable. I don’t think anyone on H!P has ever touched on the subject on a talkshow, in an interview, or whatever. So, like…insight?

Regardless, I laugh when I hear her voice in things like “Koko ni Iruzee!” and “Ai Araba IT’S ALL RIGHT!” since she’s just so out-of-place. Perhaps that was the reason she seemed so spacy anyway: Kaori was not meant to be an idol with an exaggerated persona, hence she just acted like herself on shows like Utaban. The entire time she was in Momusu, she was a person first, and a gimmicky idol second. Or wait, no, she was a person first, a singer second, a gorgeous woman, a mother, and then an idol. :)

Iida Kaori

Not once did she change who she was or try to when Momusu underwent its big change. So perhaps we can say Kaori’s biggest strength in the eyes of her fans is her consistency; I can’t forget her staggering run in Momusu. Unlike Yaguchi Mari, who metamorphosed from a regular girl with a pretty voice to a tough, fabulous, blonde, midget below-average-height person who fronted Minimoni and is arguably the most known for that (besides her scandal and departure from Momusu, the latter of which is very disappointing), Kaori has just been “Kaori” all along. Can we condemn her for not conforming? Sure, go ahead. But I feel like her startling difference from the rest of the girls at the time was like an echo of the past, and she was a woman who still embodied the original Morning Musume’s voices and style and kept them alive, just as Yoshizawa Hitomi kept the whacky fun energy of the dubious Golden Age alive in Momusu.

Another way one might perceive Kaori (hint: 99% of her official photos, her expression can be succinctly summed up with the “:)” or, if she’s in a particularly good mood, “:D” emoticons) is that she’s kind of a bitch. Looking at multiple images of the same “:)” face, I could understand how one much get an aura of superiority off her, like “I’m too good to put actual effort into this picture :)”. Really, I think the best way to judge an idol of her true personality is what you want to believe is true. I don’t fancy the idea of Kaori being a raving psycho bitch in real life, so I perceive it to be nowhere near close to the truth, whereas someone else who gets that vibe from her will think I’m nuts for praising her for being a real, genuinely kindred person.

On the surface, I really am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but once you get down to it, the psychology seems quite complex. This is how I justify being a Momusu nerd with too much time on her hands.

Another question I have regarding Kaori is…why did she stay so damn long? What was it about Morning Musume that kept her there? Usually the other girls have their fill of it after about four or five years and graduate, wota and members alike shed tears, flower bouquets are doled out and final songs sung. Since Fukuda Asuka’s graduation special, I feel like over the course of the years, graduation DVDs have stopped being in honor of the girl’s departure, but more of a scheme to milk the fans of their cash. It started becoming a routine done with no emotion. Sure, the girls still cry — whether these tears are only 50% fake or 100% real is up for debate — but…it’s become so commonplace for them to cry. I don’t blame them, because if you’re in a group with four or six other people you’re bound to make some friends, yet it’s getting tiresome. I kind of want a graduation to occur and all of the girls to just be like “Alright, get your ass out”.

I have to wonder if Kaori really loved being in Momusu or did it because she didn’t have much of anything else to do at the time. I’m leaning toward the former because… Well, it seems more like the happy ending.

And that’s what Kaori got, didn’t she? I think she wanted to be a happy mother all along, and now she is one. I’m not worried about her never returning to H!P to sing and participate in groups because I feel like she’s had her run there, and there’s no future for her with them as a company because they are never going to do any justice to solo work she pursues. Tsunku will write material, she’ll sing it, someone arranges it, cover art is shot, horrible PVs are filmed, and no promotion will be done for it because she’s not “popular” or “current” enough for them to deem her a worthwhile asset. Someone who is exceptionally young with a lot of moxie, like Tanaka Reina, would be worth giving a solo career to since she is presently very popular with the wota and casual fan crowd (in my opinion), and can be billed as a modern girl. Her style — which I personally believe is pretentious and predictable as all get-out — is kakkoii and hip, and I think the sound of her music should be sort of Americanized since she digs “our” music. When I heard Sonim’s first single “Curry Rice no Onna”, I immediately felt that it would be perfect for Reina. Whereas someone like Kaori, who has never been anyone else but Kaori, is going to have music that sounds like Kaori, and Kaori as a person is just not up with the times. How many people cared about her Mediterranean sound back when she was active? She’s just nothing that would interest the Japanese public, in my opinion, even with the right promotion of her single and album releases. I feel bad for her in that respect, because since I’m an avid believer of her “realness” and how much her music reflected her, it means that the public wouldn’t be interested in her.

I can’t even see her as a future actress because she’s always been her. Damnit, Kaori, why are you so “you”?!